Ang Babae sa Septic Tank

Sobrang bagay tong pelikulang to dito sa blog ko. Poo repository = septic tank. Puro taehan lang. Napakabantot.

Bale tungkol siya sa tatlong taong gustong gumawa ng Indie film na award-winning ang datingan. Tipong pang Cannes. Si Papa JM yung producer, si Kean yung director tsaka yung isang babaeng kasing lusog at kasing ganda ko (lol) yung PA. Yung babaeng yun hindi talaga memorable, parang puro hagikhik lang naman siya buong movie. Si Kean, rakstar na rakstar pa din, wala namang naiba. Si JM, oh my gassss! Bat dun ko lang narealize na ang pugeh niya? Naka ilang palo at kurot din ako dun sa katabi kong nanood dahil kilig na kilig lang ako sa pagmumukha ni JM. Ow-em!

Siyempre bida dito si Eugene Domingo, THE Eugene Domingo. Siya kasi yung gustong kunin nina JM na lead actress dun sa film nilang “Walang Wala”. Ang bongga bongga lang niya, tapos feeling ko super fan talaga ako bilang napansin ko agad na yung bahay niya eh pareho dun sa ginamit na bahay sa Kimmy Dora. (Sana lang tama mga pinagsasabi ko dito) Pinakabenta sakin yung pinakita niya ang 3 types ng acting – winner siyempre yung TV Patrol acting. Tawa akong tawa habang nagkikikisay dun si Eugene.

Yung plot, tungkol kay Mila na sobrang mahirap at pilit pinagkakasya ang isang paketeng noodles na pagkain ng kanyang buong pamilya. Sa sobrang hirap ng buhay, napilitan siyang ibenta yung isa niyang anak sa isang Amerikanong pedophile. Dun lang naman umikot yung buong pelikula. Pinapakita ang iba’t ibang atake dun sa mga mga crucial sequence ng film. Pinakamahaba ata yung ginawa siyang parang musical, yun din yung pinaka boring.

Sa kabuuan, maganda naman yung pelikula. Para sa isang indie film, de-kalibre na nga talaga ang kalidad. Isa lang talaga yung issue ko: PILIT NA PILIT YUNG TITLE. Yung septic tank? Sa huli lang makikita. Ni hindi nga na-establish kung bakit may scene tungkol sa septic tank. Basta lang may septic tank, tapos nahulog dun si Eugene. Nakaka disappoint pa yung septic tank, walang wala dun sa eksena sa Slumdog Millionaire na nahulog din yung bida sa taehan. Wala. Pagkahulog ni Eugene, tapos na din yung pelikula. Nag zoom-in lang yung shot sa kanya na lulutang-lutang sa tae. Sa totoo lang, mukha lang namang sinigang yung laman ng septic tank. With all the oil and kangkong.

Bale di na muna ako mag uulam ng sinigang for a while.

Movie 5 of 100: The Social Network

It all started when Mark got dumped by his girl and he went bitching about her in his blog. Then he worked on a program, “FaceMash”, which rates women based on their hotness. Overnight, it went viral at Harvard and the massive traffic caused parts of the University’s network to go down. Because of this hoax, he went under probation and was hated by most, if not all, of Harvard’s women. FaceMash’s infamy brought him to the attention of hot twins who were working on a website, and then they hired him as a programmer.

Mark flocked by his roommates as he creates FaceMash based on Eduardo's chess logic

Mark had this idea to create a social networking website exclusively for Harvard University students which he called “TheFacebook”. He approached his best friend Eduardo for help, the latter agreed and they start the site. The hot twin heard about it and thought that Awkberg stole the core idea from them.

Trivia (which everyone probably already knows by now): The twins were played by only one actor

Mark and Eduardo met this hot chick and her other hot friend and used the phrase “Facebook us”. Hot chick introduced another friend but said another friend was clueless of TheFacebook as she does not go to Harvard. Mark then decided to expand to other universities which further infuriated the hot twins. Mark and Eduardo arranged a meeting with Justin Timberlake who was presumably another internet genius. Justin won Mark’s heart and Eduardo’s jealousy.

During his first meeting with Mark and Eduardo

Justin suggested to drop the “The” and just name the site “Facebook”. Mark and Justin are now the new BFFs, Eduardo and Mark goes astray. Facebook prospered and expanded to other continents. The hot twins and Eduardo sued Mark’s ass, Justin got arrested due to possession of cocaine. Film ends with Mark sending a friend request to her ex-GF and refreshing the page every few seconds waiting for her approval.

I enjoyed the film despite some rather boring scenes where everyone was just blabbering. Oh well, this movie is full of talk anyway, so that’s not saying anything. But if you’re one who enjoys “intellectual” (LOL) movies, this one is highly recommended (that is, if you haven’t seen it yet coz apparently, it’s been months since this was shown in the movies).

Movie 4 of 100: Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Luma na to. 2007 pa pinalabas pero ngayon ko lang talaga napanood ng buo. This movie is a beri nays!

Bale si Borat, celebrity siya sa Kazakhstan. Pinadala siya ng gobyerno nila sa US para gumawa ng documentary tungkol sa uri ng pamumuhay at kultura sa Amerika. Kasama niyang bumiyahe si Azamat (producer niya) tsaka yung pet niyang manok.

Habang nanonood siya ng TV sa isang hotel sa New York, natiyempuhan niyang palabas ang Baywatch. Nakita niya si Pamela Anderson na naka swimsuit habang tumatakbo with matching alog alog ng kanyang future. Ika nga niya, “She had golden hairs, teeth as white as pearls, and the asshole of a seven-year-old.”Eh di shemps, nainlab naman tong si Borat. Sakto namang nadeds yung Amazonang asawa niya, so si Borat is now singgol and ready to minggol.

Gusto na ngayon pumunta ni Borat sa California kasi dun nakatira si Pamela. Ayaw naman ni Azamat kasi dapat nga sa New York lang sila. Eh di imbento ulit tong si Borat. Sabi niya, nasa California daw ang Pearl Harbor at Texas. Lols. Bilang wala namang kaalam alam tong si Azamat, eh di naniwala siya. Basta daw wag silang mag eroplano papunta kasi baka maulit yung Sept 11 terrorist attack. So nag driving lessons si Borat tsaka bumili ng sasakyan. Lumang ice cream truck lang ang inabot ng anda niya. Pwede nang pagtiyagaan. Bibili din sana siya ng baril na proteksiyon laban sa Jews kaso hindi ubra kasi hindi siya American Citizen, kaya bumili na lang siya ng bear. Yup! Bear. IDEK.

Tuloy lang ang adventures ni Borat. Nakabili siya ng Baywatch booklet sa isang yard sale. Na surprise butt seks siya ng dalawang homos. Ininterview nang live sa TV tapos nanggulo ng weather report ni Kuya Kim. Hehe. Kinanta ang Kazakhstan National Anthem to the tune of Star Spangled Banner. Nag enroll din siya sa etiquette lessons. Bale kailangan niyang makipagdinner dun sa mga old, cultured people. Tapos nag imbita siya ng bisita sa dinner, si Luenell, isang African-American prosti.

Basta maraming nangyari. Ang ending lang naman, napangasawa ni Borat si Luenell. Sinama niya siya pauwi ng Kazakhstan. And they lived happily ever after. Ganun.

Movie 3 of 100: Love and Other Drugs

Dapat Love and Viagra na lang title nito.

Bale si Jamie (yung bidang lalaki), dealer siya ng drags. Tapos si Maggie (Anne Hathaway), adik sa drags. Yun. Chos!

Joke lang syempre. Si Jamie, nagtatrabaho sa electronic chuva outlet. Kaso, sinisante siya kasi naman chinohoba niya yung syoting ng manager nila. Bad! So yung kapatid niyang mayaman, hinanapan siya ng trabaho bilang medrep. Nagwork siya sa Pfizer tapos nagsayaw sila ng Macarena. lols.

Wala namang konek sa kwento yung Macarena. Bale pinapagbenta siya ng Zoloft, kalaban ng Prozac. Kailangan lang niyang makumbinsi si Dr. Knight na iprescribe ang Zoloft, tapos lahat daw ng ibang doktor, susunod na. So sinusundan sundan niya si Dr. Knight habang nanggagamot, kasi nga kinukumbinsi niya siya. Tapos saktong nagpacheck up naman si Maggie. Tapos pinakita niya yung boobs niya. Bowm!

Nakrasan siya ni Jamie. Bilang babaero talaga siyang likas, nabola niya yung receptionist na ibigay sa kanya yung number ni Maggie. Tinawagan niya siya tapos nag set ng date. Saglit lang yung date, bale mas matagal pa yung sex nila sa bahay ni Maggie.

Dahil mahilig sa sex yung dalawa, nagbenta ng Viagra si Jamie. Chos ulit. Di ko na maalala kung pano na-assign sa kanya yung Viagra pero dahil dito, naging successful talaga siya. Gumanda din syempre ang sex life nila. Si Maggie naman, laging hubad. Kaswalan lang ang pagbubunyag ng katawan, teh!

Yung problema lang naman nila, may Parkinson’s disease si Maggie. Dahil dun, ayaw niyang mag commit sa relationships. Basta, personal issues! Pero si Jamie, hindi naman natinag. Talagang pumunta pa sila kung saan saan para lang makahanap ng pang gamot. May isa silang pinuntahan. Malayo talaga. Tapos pagdating nila dun, kailangan pala nilang mag set ng appointment. Nagalit si Jamie. Kesyo ang layo pa daw ng pinanggalingan nila, sayang daw ang leave. Charot! Habang nagwawala si koya, mega walk out si Maggie.

Tapos nag away sila. Gusto nang makipag hiwalay ni Maggie. Feeling niya, kaya lang siya bet ni Jamie kahit may sakit siya kasi umaasa siyang magagamot pa yun. Natatakot siya na pag narealize ni Jamie na hindi siya gagaling, iiwan lang din siya. Imbento ko lang yan, pero feeling ko tama ako.

So naghiwalay na sila. Tapos after sometime, nagkita sila sa isang resto. Si Maggie nakikipagdate, si Jamie kasama ang boss niya, binalita sa kanya na promoted na daw siya tapos pupunta na siyang Chicago. Kaso narealize niya na di niya kayang lumayo. Pinuntahan niya si Maggie, tapos madaming mushy mushy cry cry na lines. Long story short, nagkabalikan sila. Hindi na pumunta ng Chicago si Jamie, nag enroll na lang ulit siya sa medical school. Tapos live in na sila. I think.

Muntik akong maiyak sa ending. Muntik lang okay!

Movie 2 of 100: Little Fockers

It was a toss between Little Fockers and Gulliver’s Travel – which I fondly call Gullible’s Travel. Having been told by friends who watched the Gullible’s that it was “okay lang, pambata”, I insisted on seeing Little Fockers instead. I love Jack Black and all but I was just not in the mood for a sickeningly childish book-to-cinema adaptation.

Little Fockers also has its share of big names – Ben Stiller, Robert de Niro, Owen Wilson, Dustin Hoffman, Barbra Streisand, and Jessica Alba. Oh Jessica Alba. The hotness that is Jessica Alba who was conveniently named Andi Garcia plays the role of an unbelievably gorgeous drug rep selling an erectile dysfunction medication, Sustengo. She was hot, at the minimum. The scene where she was all drugged up, stripped down to her bra and pannies and jumped into the pit hole that was to be a backyard pool was also freaginn hot.

Little Fockers is one movie you cannot do an in depth review on, because really, the plot is as upfront as it can be. No surprises, no mind bending twists and turns. It’s just a continuation of the never ending tirade between Jack (de Niro) and Greg (Stiller), just an unnecessary sequel to Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers.

Jack suffers from heart attack, resuscitates himself (coz he’s an ex-CIA liek dut), sought for a patriarch to the Byrne’s family, resorted to appointing and further dubbing Greg as “The Godfocker”. Typical gag show acts were shown – someone barfs at the dining table, blood squirting over the freshly cooked turkey, and the total WTF bathroom moment where one of the Focker twins see his dad helping his gramps “go peepee”. Greg stabbed Jack’s weiner that won’t go down due to Sustengo. The Focker kid was scarred for life.

The movie was not incredibly witty. No stupendous musical scoring nor mind blowing wardrobe showcase. Hell, it was even peppered with old and unfunny comedic puns. But if you’re one who just wants to be entertained for a good hour and a half, go watch it. Ok? Bye! KNUCKLES! =)